Attachment Wounds

Book Recommendation: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Attachment wounds, anxious attachment, insecure attachments, being securely attached!! Right now, there is a lot of talk about attachments, so let’s break down what the heck those words actually mean. 

Attachment styles stem from a psychologist John Bowlby’s work researching the profound connection an infant has with their caregiver. He focused on the infant’s attachment to the caregiver and the connection that developed as that relationship grew over time. Using that framework, we can theorize that the attachment style we developed with our caregivers in the first 18 months or so in life shapes our romantic attachments as well.

There are 4 main attachment styles that present in adulthood; secure attachment, anxious attachment, avoidant attachment and disorganized attachment. Data differs regarding the percentage of folks who fall into each category, but typically there are mainly secure folks, then anxious folks, then avoidant, and then disorganized. 

So I have one of these attachment styles, what does that mean? 

Let’s break it down. 

Secure attachment: Most securely attached folks are able to hold boundaries, be empathetic to partners’ needs but not dismiss their own. They are able to feel safe and secure even in times of stress or conflict in the relationships. There is typically not a high level of a fear response in their relationships and often they can thrive in relationships. 

In relationships, securely attached partners are not perfect by any means, but they are able to take responsibility and accountability for their part in the relational problems. They are often willing to get support and help and view setbacks or struggles as just a part of a relationship and not a reason to freak out.

Anxious attachment: Anxiously attached folks tend to be…well, needy. They are often anxious and uncertain about the status of the relationship or their status with the other person. They crave emotional intimacy and may lack in self-esteem causing greater insecurities. 

In relationships, they often want closeness and high levels of intimacy and reassurance that everything is ok. For some, their self-worth is based on the outcome of the relationship and they can overreact to perceived threats. There can be high levels of jealousy or attempts to control the partner in the name of reassurance and to keep them close. 

I often will describe this to clients as the the need to dig their claws in and hold on as tight as possible so the other person won’t leave them. The more the other person wants space and pulls away, the more they want to wrap their legs around them and dig those claws in, which can feel suffocating and at times manipulative to the other person. 

Avoidant attachment: These folks may find it difficult to tolerate emotional intimacy within any relationship. They highly value independence and a sense of freedom, and the threat to that being removed or impeded on by a relationship may cause them to avoid, run away from, or end the relationship.

These folks often feel stifled and the needier their partner is, the more they want to withdraw. There is often a sense of comfort when being on their own, so being in relationship and having to deal with the emotions of another person may feel overwhelming. There often is a sense of concern that they are going to get hurt or mess up the relationship, so they pull away first so the other person can’t hurt them. 

Disorganized attachment: This is the least common of the attachment styles, and these folks often view the world as unsafe. There was likely a lack of ability to self-soothe both in childhood and adulthood and can cause a bit of a push and pull internally and externally. 

In relationships disorganized attachers can often swing back and forth between being needy and wanting closeness, to wanting to be alone and needing space. There may be a lack of responsibility taking in the relationship which can cause conflict, and often the disorganized partner can be insensitive and untrusting. 

So now we know about the styles, what do we do now?

Why is it even important that I know my attachment style? Just as it is important to know our partners and our own triggers, communication styles etc, we can use this information to recognize patterns of behaviors that are not working for us. 

Tips: Talk to your partner about your attachment style and recognize how it impacts you. Practice self-soothing techniques for when you want to bolt (avoidant) or when you want to cling to (anxious) or do both at the same time (disorganized). Working with a therapist who specializes in attachments can be very helpful, as some of these behaviors or patterns are easily missed. 

Thanks for checking out the blog, any comments feel free to write them here! Keep a look-out for next month’s post!