Understanding Attachment Wounds and Attachment Styles

Book Recommendation: Attached by Amir Levine and Rachel Heller

Attachment wounds, anxious attachment, insecure attachments, being securely attached… whew, that’s a lot of attachment talk! It seems like everyone is chatting about attachment styles lately, so let’s break down what the heck those words actually mean and why they matter.

What Are Attachment Styles?

Attachment theory started with psychologist John Bowlby, who studied the deep emotional bond between infants and their caregivers. He found that the way we attach to our caregivers in those first 18 months of life shapes how we connect in relationships as adults.

In other words, the patterns we learned as babies like whether love felt safe, consistent, or unpredictable,  often become our relational blueprint. Yep, how we learned to love way back then still shows up in our relationships today.

The 4 Main Adult Attachment Styles

There are four main styles we tend to fall into as adults:

1. Secure attachment

2. Anxious attachment

3. Avoidant attachment

4. Disorganized attachment

Percentages vary depending on the research, but typically there are more securely attached folks, followed by anxious, avoidant, and then disorganized.

Let’s unpack what each one looks like because awareness is the first step to change.

Secure Attachment

People with secure attachment usually feel comfortable with closeness and independence. They can set boundaries, communicate their needs, and still care about their partner’s needs too.

When stress or conflict comes up, they don’t panic or shut down. Instead, they handle it with accountability and empathy. Do they mess up sometimes? Absolutely, but they see relationship challenges as opportunities for growth, not reasons to freak out or run away.

Anxious Attachment

Ah, the anxious attachers. These folks often feel unsure about where they stand in relationships and crave closeness, reassurance, and emotional intimacy. Sometimes to the point where it can feel overwhelming for their partner.

They might overanalyze texts, worry about being left, or base their self-worth on how the relationship is going. I often describe this to clients as the need to dig your claws in and hold on tight so the other person doesn’t leave. The problem? The tighter you grip, the more the other person wants space and that can trigger even more anxiety.

It’s exhausting and so human.

Avoidant Attachment

Avoidantly attached people are often fiercely independent and value their freedom. Emotional intimacy can feel like a threat to that independence, so when things get too close or intense, they might pull back or shut down.

These folks often feel safest when they’re on their own. The needier their partner becomes, the more avoidant people may feel the urge to withdraw. It’s not that they don’t care, it’s that vulnerability feels risky. Their internal thought might be something like, “If I pull away first, you can’t hurt me.”

Disorganized Attachment

This one’s the trickiest of the bunch. People with disorganized attachment often experienced relationships that were both comforting and frightening, which creates a confusing push-pull dynamic.

They might crave closeness one minute and then need space the next. There’s often a deep fear of being hurt paired with a longing to be loved, which can feel like being stuck in an emotional tug-of-war.

Self-soothing can be hard, and trust doesn’t always come easily. These individuals may have learned early on that the world isn’t safe, and that pattern can follow them into adulthood.

Why Understanding Your Attachment Style Matters

So, why even bother figuring out your attachment pattern? Because knowledge is power and in relationships, it’s the kind of power that leads to healing, not control.

When you understand your style, you start to recognize patterns that don’t serve you anymore. You notice your triggers, how you communicate (or don’t), and what makes you feel safe or unsafe in love.

This awareness can help you break cycles, heal attachment wounds, and move toward secure attachment, where love feels balanced, safe, and mutual.

Healing Attachment Wounds: Tips for Growth

• Talk about it: Have an open conversation with your partner about it and how it shows up. Awareness builds compassion.

• Practice self-soothing: When you want to bolt (avoidant), cling (anxious), or do both (disorganized), take a breath and ground yourself first.

• Get support: A therapist or coach who specializes in attachment theory can help you spot patterns and practice new ways of relating.

Understanding your attachment patterns isn’t about labeling yourself, it’s about learning how you connect so you can create healthier, more secure relationships.

Thanks for reading, and heck, if this resonated, you’re already doing the work!

Curious about your own attachment patterns? Reach out here to explore how therapy or coaching can help you build stronger, more secure connections.

Keep an eye out for next month’s blog, we’ll keep digging into the good stuff!