Being Child-Free During the Holidays: What People Miss
The holidays have a way of shining a spotlight on things we normally avoid talking about: money, relationships, politics, and of course…the Big One: kids. And if you’re someone who is child-free, whether by choice or by heartbreaking circumstance, you already know exactly where this is going.
Because like clockwork, there’s always that one person at the dinner table, on FaceTime, in the group chat who blurts out the dreaded question:
“Sooo… when are you going to have kids?”
It’s asked casually, as if it’s the same as asking what you want for dessert. But the impact? That lands deep, especially during the holidays when emotions already sit close to the surface.
Today we’re going to talk about that question, why people need to stop asking it, and how to navigate the season if you’re child-free. And yes, we're doing it in my usual tone: honest, a little spicy, and still rooted in compassion and emotional truth.
Let’s get into it.
Why People Ask “When Are You Having Kids?” (And Why It Needs to Stop)
Let’s call it what it is: most people don’t ask this question to be rude. They ask it because:
It's what they’ve always asked people.
It feels like a “normal milestone” conversation.
They’re genuinely curious.
Or they’re projecting their own views of adulthood onto you.
But just because it’s common doesn’t mean it’s harmless.
Some people choose to be child-free because having kids feels wrong for their lifestyle, goals, health, or values.
Some people deeply want children but are struggling with infertility, miscarriage, finances, chronic illness, or a hundred other barriers that no one sees.
And some people are in the “I’m not sure yet, please stop forcing me to decide” category.
Asking someone about kids is like asking for a peek into the most tender, personal, emotionally loaded corner of their life.
You never know what you’re walking into, so stop walking into it.
If you take nothing else from this blog, take that.
Being Child-Free During the Holidays Hits Different
The holidays come with traditions, kids running around, family photos, matching pajamas… basically one big Norman Rockwell painting sprinkled across Instagram.
And while all of that can be sweet, it can also hit like a punch to the chest if:
You long for a child you can’t have.
You’re child-free by choice and constantly judged.
You’re tired of explaining your life to relatives.
You’re the only child-free adult in a sea of parents.
You’re already emotionally spent and don’t need the extra commentary.
Holiday gatherings often amplify what already feels tender. Suddenly you’re not just “Ashley who loves wine and Pilates.” You become, “Ashley who doesn’t have kids yet,” as if your entire identity collapses into one single data point.
And honestly? That’s exhausting.
Let’s Talk About the Two Child-Free Experiences
There are two (equally valid) paths that fall under the “child-free” umbrella:
1. Being Child-Free by Choice
Let’s be clear: choosing not to have children does not make you selfish, broken, confused, dramatic, or immature. It makes you…someone making a choice.
Some people know from childhood that kids aren’t part of their future.
Some love kids but love their freedom more.
Some know their mental health or trauma history wouldn’t make parenting healthy or sustainable.
Some simply don’t feel the desire and newsflash, desire matters.
You don’t need a thesis paper-length explanation for your choice. And you certainly don’t owe strangers, coworkers, or Aunt Linda your fertility plans.
2. Being Child-Free Not by Choice
This is where things get incredibly tender.
People dealing with infertility, pregnancy loss, IVF exhaustion, medical barriers, financial barriers, or long-term grief often carry pain the world doesn’t see.
They may show up smiling at holiday gatherings while quietly mourning:
A failed cycle
A miscarriage no one knows about
A dream they’re afraid won’t come true
A relationship strained by the journey
A future they imagined but can’t reach
The kid question becomes a landmine. One that detonates sadness, shame, anger, grief, or numbness.
If you’re in this group, I want you to hear this clearly:
You are not failing. You are not behind. You are not incomplete.
And you are not required to discuss your journey with anyone who hasn’t earned the right to hear it.
Why the Holidays Make This Question Even Worse
Because during the holidays:
Families gather.
Emotions heighten.
Expectations soar.
Traditions remind you of what you have, or don’t.
People drink more wine and lose their filter.
Everyone thinks they’re entitled to your business.
Even well-meaning people can drop comments like:
“You’ll change your mind.”
“Don’t wait too long!”
“You don’t know love until you’re a parent.”
“It’s time to give your parents grandbabies.”
“Better hurry!”
“You’d be such a good mom/dad!”
Some comments are sweet in intention, but intention doesn’t erase impact.
Tips for Navigating Child-Free Life During Holiday Gatherings
Let’s break down some actually helpful (and realistic) strategies you can use this year.
1. Your Polite, but Deadly Holiday Clapback Plan
Decide ahead of time how you want to respond to kid questions.
Your answer might depend on who’s asking and how you’re feeling in the moment.
Here are a few options:
Neutral and Firm:
“Thanks for asking, but we’re keeping that private.”
Humorous and Boundary-Setting:
“Oh, that’s classified information. Top secret.”
Direct and Done Talking:
“I’m not discussing that.”
(You’d be shocked how effective this is.)
Spicy (if they earned it):
“I don’t comment on your reproductive decisions, please don’t comment on mine.”
Choose your level of sass responsibly.
2. Tell One Trusted Person Ahead of Time
Let one person be your buffer.
Like a designated boundary bodyguard.
Tell them:
“If someone brings up kids, can you jump in and redirect the conversation?”
They can step in with:
“Hey, let’s talk about something else, did you see the game?”
or
“We’re not discussing that today.”
It takes so much pressure off of you.
3. Create an Exit Plan (and Use It)
Before the event, plan your escape route.
This could mean:
Stepping outside for fresh air
Taking a drive
Going to the bathroom for a breather
Leaving early
Or having a partner/friend rescue you with the classic “We need to leave early” line
You don’t owe your presence to anyone.
4. Protect Yourself on Social Media
Holiday photos of babies, pregnancy announcements, matching family pajamas…yeah, those can sting.
It’s okay to:
Mute people
Limit scrolling
Unfollow temporarily
Delete Instagram for a week
Take a mental health break
You’re not rude. You’re human.
5. Make New Holiday Traditions That Actually Feel Good
Being child-free gives you freedom to create holidays that don’t center on kids.
Ideas:
A cozy night with wine and your favorite movie
A trip instead of a gathering
A Friendsgiving or Friendsmas
A “no emotional labor required” holiday
A spa day
A hike
Volunteering
A reality-TV marathon
Cooking whatever the hell you want
You don’t need children to have meaningful traditions.
If You’re Child-Free by Choice… This Section Is for You
You get bombarded with:
Surprise
Judgment
Unsolicited advice
“You’ll regret it”
“You’ll understand one day”
And the always-classic “Oh, you’ll change your mind.”
Here’s your reminder:
Choosing a child-free life doesn’t make you less grown-up, less loving, less whole, or less capable of meaning.
People project their values because they don’t understand yours.
That’s their work, not yours.
If You’re Child-Free Not by Choice… This Section Is for You
I see you.
This season is heavy.
Everything from commercials to Christmas cards can feel like a reminder of what you've lost or longed for.
The kid question can feel like a dagger.
Here’s how to care for yourself:
Tell someone close what’s hard for you right now.
Give yourself permission to skip triggering events.
Let yourself grieve.
Say no when you need to.
Find rituals that honor your grief or hope.
Seek support: therapy, support groups, or trusted friends.
Remember that your story is not over.
You’re not alone, even if it feels like it.
And for the People Asking the Question? Please Read This. (Twice)
If you’ve ever asked someone, “When are you having kids?” here’s your friendly, therapist-approved PSA:
Stop. Asking. That. Question.
You don’t know:
Their fertility struggles
Their financial limitations
Their trauma history
Their medical barriers
Their marital issues
Their heartbreak
Their fears
Their intentions
Their choices
There are a hundred reasons someone may be child-free and none of them are your business.
Ask about:
Their life
Their passions
Their career
Their goals
What they’re excited about
Their mental health
Their pets
Literally anything else
Normalize conversations that don’t center on reproductive choices.
Final Thought: You Deserve a Holiday That Honors Your Reality
The holidays aren’t a test.
They aren’t a measure of “how far you’ve come.”
They aren’t a fertility checkpoint.
They are simply a season (a moment in time) that you get to shape in a way that protects your peace.
Whether you’re child-free by choice or circumstance:
You’re allowed to set boundaries.
You’re allowed to skip events.
You’re allowed to create new traditions.
You’re allowed to feel joy and pain at the same time.
You’re allowed to take care of your heart first.
You don’t owe anyone your story.
You don’t owe anyone your plans.
And you certainly don’t owe anyone children.
You get to decide what your life looks like.
And that, my friend, is something worth celebrating.
Whether you’re child-free by choice or not, your emotional experience deserves care. If you want support navigating boundaries, grief, relationships, or identity shifts, I’d love to support you. Click here to schedule a consultation.
